I have hundreds of thoughts going through my little square head about moving or not moving, about the future, about world peace and life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness and about why Ben Stiller is a star.
Adventurous Billie, about 10% of real Billie, is ready for the move, without a doubt. Ready to get to know a new city and be closer to some family and Josh Hamilton and Williams Sonoma. The other 90% of real Billie, the Billie that needs safety and security is afraid that she will be even lonelier than she is now (if that is possible) & that she won't make new friends, something she has trouble doing anyway and she is scared that she won't be able to get a job and will be indigent and eating chicken noodle soup the rest of her life. She thinks that she may be an official idiot leaving a house that is paid for for an unknown living situation. She is afraid to fail.
OK, out of the 3rd person. I always think that people who discuss themselves in 3rd person are annoying. I still technically have a couple of months until its the time I've chosen to move. So this blog will be a sounding board as I go through every detail. All 3 of my readers will be yelling ENOUGH ALREADY!!
I talked to my friend Deb on Saturday about this. To clarify, Deb is a talker and technically I'm not. I have to work things out on my own. But one thing I mentioned is that I am not settled, not in my home and not in my life. I am used to working full time, used to a routine. I like the time off, don't get me wrong, but it really does not feel real sometimes. I'm not sure I can do it for the rest of my life but I don't want a full time job either. And I cannot explain why I am unsettled in the house. Ever since Daddy moved in 5 years ago, it does not feel like my space. I feel extremely lucky that he him lived with me but now, even though he's gone, I pass his bathroom and rarely go into his bedroom. I still wake up sometimes thinking I hear him call. I have redone some paint and countertops and carpet and tile and nothing has changed. Somehow, I feel like I am visiting or living in a hotel. Nothing I have done has made it feel different.
And I am scared that the loneliness will never end. In Weatherford I'll have Donna and be close to Aunt Betty & Uncle T but I'll be leaving a lot of friends in Lubbock. I only see a few on a regular basis and that has dwindled but I do have Deb and Robbie & Kyle and Sarjim. When I broke my foot they were all there. And I'll miss Steve. And it's not like I'll never see any of them again. But I am afraid the loneliness will get even worse, like it was the only other time I moved away, to San Antonio in 1983. The problem with that was that I could not see Mom & Daddy anytime I wanted and I never did have it in me to see them 2 times a year. But the other part was that except for the times I saw them, no one touched me for an entire year. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about someone putting their arm around me or touching my arm or hugging me. It almost crippled me. But I don't have that much now either.
The debate will go on until the final call is made.
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